I have always been a practical person, organised, sorted…. but I also have a head full of dreams. I have always been like that, ever since I can remember. For a while there, when I was sick, I lost that. I was too scared to dream because the way things were going, I wasn’t going to achieve any of those dreams. The less I dreamt the sadder I became. To lose that ability to ride the wave of those rich imaginings that guide us to create and achieve wonderful things is very upsetting. After I got on top of some health issues, slowly I started to dream again. It was a trickle at first but the stronger and happier I became the more I was able to dream. I took it slowly and focused on smaller dreams that would be easier to achieve.
The first dream that really meant a lot to me to achieve was being able to go visit family in Sydney, by myself. This may seem easy to achieve for many of you but I had not been by myself for over 2 and a half years. I had always been with a loved one or hospital staff, I was never, ever alone. Getting on a plane and visiting family with out my all important support network was a very exciting but scary proposition. I didn’t even know if I was allowed to fly!!
Once I had decided to chase this dream, the first thing I did was speak to my medical team. They were a bit wary but mostly positive. I did a high altitude test to see if I needed to use oxygen while on the plane. I just passed and was so excited I almost cried. I had thought air travel was beyond my reach for good (or at least until I had a lung transplant) so it was an amazing feeling to know that I had the freedom to get on a plane whenever I wanted. The simple things, hey! I rang my family and organised a time, one thing lead to another and the next thing I know I had a plane ticket and it was the night before my trip. While organising the trip, it was easy for me to focus on the technicalities but when that was all done it finally hit me that this was actually going to happen. I was so terrified of so many things I was momentarily paralyzed with fear. What happened if something went wrong while I was on the plane alone? What if I got sick in Sydney? What if I was so exhausted when I get there and I couldn’t get out of bed? But most importantly, was I ready to do this on my own with out one of my “support team”? I was this close to cancelling it all. It would be so much easier to do that, to not put myself in the position of doing something that might not work out rather than something go wrong. I felt panicked at the thought of being alone. Of being independent for the first time in years. It was so overwhelming.
I sat down and thought really hard about why I was doing this. Was it all worth it, I asked myself. The reply came from deep within. Yes, yes it was worth it because if I didn’t do this, if I cancelled, then the illness really would have won. It would have taken over my life, I would have given in to it. I would have given it my freedom. So I wiped my tears away and thought to myself: “What do I really have to lose?”. Nothing. But I had everything to gain.
So I got on that plane alone and babbled nervously to the couple next to me for the majority of the trip! I arrived in Sydney and I felt weak with happiness! That was one of the best trips I ever had and not only did I do it alone, I even did a HUGE bush walk in the Blue Mountains (complete with 200 and something stairs!) with my Uncle – my Aunt almost died when she found out where we had gone!. My lungs didn’t give up on me (although my legs almost did!). The last couple of metres of that walk I shed a tear of joy! I had done it! I HAD DONE IT!! All of it. I had never been so happy that I had not to listened to myself. And the reward was my freedom!
I have since been to Sydney again as well as Melbourne with another trip planned in the new year. If I had of listened to the fear that night, I would have been stuck in the mindset of being too sick to have any independence, to go anywhere or do anything. So while it was a seemingly small dream, it lead me onto even greater achievements. So, here’s to dreaming!
“Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.
Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.” – Pamela Starr
All the best, Lily
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